Replacement

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My world is blue once more

blue like the ocean

Blue like my eyes

Blue like her eyes

 

When I close my eyes

I am drowning

in endless empty blue.

 

I no longer remember

how I look like.

I stare into mirrors

trying to recall

where my face starts

and hers ends:

the girl you used to love

the girl you you still loved when I already loved you

the girl who I became.

Flowers

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My world is grey.

From inside my room

I watch my life go by.

Passions bloom

like flowers

with deceiving vibrancy:

so full of life

though death is already waiting

in their shadow:

a darkness that grows

until it is all that is left.

I wonder:

if I stay here

inside

motionless

nothing will happen:

time will stand still

and the flowers will continue to bloom

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coming into focus

only to disappear again

 

people you thought you knew

but never did

 

an emptiness festers

 

I try to remember

those forgotten

try to memorize

those still here

 

but already

their edges are blurry

shadows dance in details

 

I watch dark clouds form

on horizons

 

I walk: 

a faceless member

in a faceless crowd

already forgotten

before I had the chance to be remembered

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The moment after

the world misty

as if frozen

in a golden haze

I listen to your heartbeat

and let myself pretend

that it will

last forever

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nothing.

a black empty sky.

a silence that consumes sound.

an endless nightmare

where I watch

the face

the world

that used to be mine

slowly fade

disappear

leaving me nameless

in a nameless world.

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I dream

our feet cold

breath freezing in the arctic air

silver laughter suspended in the dark

fingers laced tightly

and in the sky the Earth distant like a star

my heart pounds wildy

but as I reach for your lips

I remember

you are only a dream

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his face once beautiful

now grey with lost charm

like the winter sunk into his skin

and stole all his warmth

 

words fall from his lips

so heavy

the air can’t hold them

they shatter on the ground

splinter

and pierce my heart

“I cheated on you.”

 

an echo that remains

inside me

long after he is gone

 

around I feel the world

grow colder

and wonder

if this year the winter will last forever

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alone

in the dying sunlight

a fallen girl

who allowed herself to dream.

 

although she knew better.

 

now she waits

almost patiently

for the darkness to take root

to grow

around and inside her

once again.

 

she wonders

almost as an afterthought

why she had forgotten what she had always known:
Happiness is transient.

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On december nights

she danced in the snow

barefoot.

A dreamer with her eyes wide open:

fairytale eyes–

bright green and full of secrets

and on her face

a smile no one understood.

–What are you doing out here?

–Waiting for the stars to fall.

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