Tonight.
In the darkness.
In the cold.
I waited for you.
Waited.
Shivering underneath a starless sky.
A moonless night.
My breath silver in the cold.
I waited for you:
Waited.
For someone I knew would never come.
Two years of You
After two years of you
After two years of blue eyes
and crooked smiles
and hugs
filled with so much warmth
they made all my sadness melt
away
no matter how cold it was
After two years of you
I wake up alone
a gaping emptiness
and memories that burn.
Inside my chest
my heart is screaming
into blackness
My skin breaths.
The universe whispers.
The darkness is electric with stars.
Endless energy pulses through my veins.
I am alive.
a black starless sky
a bottomless lake
and a woman with no soul
dancing in the darkness
skin sparkling white
with stolen starlight
I walk alone
in this grey world,
under this grey sky.
wanting to remember
wanting to forget
wanting to live
wanting die
I don’t know where I am going.
Everything is grey.
the shadows breathe
and the darkness grows
soon I will forget who I am
on this endless road to nowhere
I am living in a fairytale:
where you are mine and I am yours
where we walk in fields of flowers
beneath skies of brilliant color
and swim in oceans that glitter gold
but somewhere I know the stars are falling
somewhere the quiet song of ending echoes
somewhere I am already alone again
The curtains closed.
The door locked.
We hid
for hours
like we were secrets
in all but each other’s minds.
After a while we never cared to know:
if the sky was grey
or blue
if it was cold
if the leaves were falling or growing back again.
After a while we forgot about the world
and the world forgot about us.
I built a wall
between us
of unsaid words
of closed doors
of faces turned away
and backs turned towards
That day in the field
the sun high in the sky
the dead grass crunching under our feet
it was not a step I took towards you
but a wall I climbed
that it is why it took so long
to be at last
by your side
That is why as the wall exists
it will always take so long
As the wall exists
I will always be hiding–
a bigger occasion always needed
to get me to climb
I understand now
I will have to start chipping away at that wall
with words exchanged
open doors
with faces turned forwards
instead of away
Because if I don’t start chipping away at that wall
I will continue chipping away at you papa
and I don’t want to do that papa
because I love you
Replacement
My world is blue once more
blue like the ocean
Blue like my eyes
Blue like her eyes
When I close my eyes
I am drowning
in endless empty blue.
I no longer remember
how I look like.
I stare into mirrors
trying to recall
where my face starts
and hers ends:
the girl you used to love
the girl you you still loved when I already loved you
the girl who I became.
