Tonight.

In the darkness.

In the cold.

I waited for you.

Waited.

Shivering underneath a starless sky.

A moonless night.

My breath silver in the cold.

I waited for you:

Waited.

For someone I knew would never come.

 

Two years of You

After two years of you

After two years of blue eyes

and crooked smiles

and hugs

filled with so much warmth

they made all my sadness melt

away

no matter how cold it was

After two years of you

I wake up alone

a gaping emptiness

and memories that burn.

Inside my chest

my heart is screaming

into blackness

My skin breaths.

The universe whispers.

The darkness is electric with stars.

Endless energy pulses through my veins.

I am alive.

a black starless sky

a bottomless lake

and a woman with no soul

dancing in the darkness

skin sparkling white

with stolen starlight

 

 

 

 

 

I walk alone

in this grey world,

under this grey sky.

 

wanting to remember

wanting to forget

wanting to live

wanting die

 

I don’t know where I am going.

Everything is grey.

the shadows breathe

and the darkness grows

soon I will forget who I am

on this endless road to nowhere

 

I am living in a fairytale:

where you are mine and I am yours

where we walk in fields of flowers

beneath skies of brilliant color

and swim in oceans that glitter gold

 

but somewhere I know the stars are falling

somewhere the quiet song of ending echoes

somewhere I am already alone again

The curtains closed.

The door locked.

We hid

for hours

like we were secrets

in all but each other’s minds.

After a while we never cared to know:

if the sky was grey

or blue

if it was cold

if the leaves were falling or growing back again.

After a while we forgot about the world

and the world forgot about us.

I built a wall

between us

of unsaid words

of closed doors

of faces turned away

and backs turned towards

 

That day in the field

the sun high in the sky

the dead grass crunching under our feet

it was not a step I took towards you

but a wall I climbed

 

that it is why it took so long

to be at last

by your side

That is why as the wall exists

it will always take so long

 

As the wall exists

I will always be hiding–

a bigger occasion always needed

to get me to climb

I understand now

I will have to start chipping away at that wall

with words exchanged

open doors

with faces turned forwards

instead of away

 

Because if I don’t start chipping away at that wall

I will continue chipping away at you papa

and I don’t want to do that papa

because I love you

Replacement

My world is blue once more

blue like the ocean

Blue like my eyes

Blue like her eyes

 

When I close my eyes

I am drowning

in endless empty blue.

 

I no longer remember

how I look like.

I stare into mirrors

trying to recall

where my face starts

and hers ends:

the girl you used to love

the girl you you still loved when I already loved you

the girl who I became.